Why is change so hard? It seems simple in theory. Find a “thing” you want and then go get it. Isn’t that kind of how change is approached? We are tired of being overweight, so we go buy a cookbook or the newest diet book, go buy groceries and then wait for the results. In a few days, when the results are not there, we wonder what happened. I mean, the book was purchased, where is the new body? If it were this simple, then everyone who has ever bought a book with a desire to change would have their results. No one would really ever need help because anytime you wanted a new change the process would be the same. Right? Go buy a new book and get the ingredients and wait for success.
The problem is that change isn’t easy and cannot be duplicated like a recipe. Many of us approach “manifesting” or change like we are ordering a product from a catalog or downloading a recipe online. This belief causes great pain and despair in most because this approach is really setting you on a path of what I call, “waiting hell”. We set ourselves up with unrealistic expectations and entitlements. I am sure you have figured out that no two people are alike. You might also have realized that what works for one does not work for all. Cookie cutter approaches to change create more distance from our desired outcome with the added bonus of incredible pain.
Energy in Desperate Change
- Comparing: this can be to others or even where you used to be.
- Desperation: wanting the outcome so bad you will do anything to get it.
- Indecisive: unable to know or feel what you want or need.
Easily seduced by great branding/image: we look at the words and empty promises in false hope.
Perfection: what you do matters more than who you are. Worth is in works.
Instant results: we want results yesterday, and we don’t want to have to work at it.
Blame: always looking for external things to blame as to why you are where you are.
Mixed up ownership: you take ownership for others needs, and release control over your own feelings/needs.
Judgement: you have very harsh energy and often have little grace. There is a definite right and wrong with no gray area.
Self hate: to the core of who you are, you feel bad and deserve the heartache and pain.
Outside focused: Always looking for something to fix, a new job, moving homes, new friends to distract you.
Isolation: there is a lot of secrecy and hiding that creates a feeling of being alone and isolated from other, more of an observer.
Energy in Confident or Inspired Change
- Seek inspiration: we look for things that inspire us to help us see a way out of our pain.
Change from desperate to content: we start to see that more big picture and believe in transformation.
We know what we want: we spend time getting to know what we want and need and are able to communicate it.
We read the energy behind people so not seduced: we look for other things besides just words, the intention behind people, programs, books and leaders.
We embrace ratio: we learn how to release perfection and outside validation and embrace change one messy step at a time.
We relax on timelines: we soften the timing trusting that some things take longer to arrange in our lives.
We stop blaming: we see that we are also responsible for our own happiness and that we have choice.
We take ownership: we stop taking responsibility for making other’s happy and start making choices and taking actions in our own lives.
We accept: we stop fixating on mistakes and start making peace and accepting circumstances in our lives and past.
We embrace ourselves in totality: we can handle being alone, feeling good about who we are and why we are here.
We are internally focused: we aren’t self absorbed, but we are self aware and look inside to find answers and healing.
We connect. We recognize that sharing and experiencing life connected to others helps us belong instead of an observer.
If I could name these two paths I would say the first one is the path of desperation and the second is the path of confidence.
Desperation is easy, it doesn’t require anything other than a wish for something else. It looks for the easy way out, the path of least resistance and quick fixes. This path demands.
Confidence is complex, it requires time, patience, tenacity, and presence. It looks for growth and wisdom, stability, humility, and long term results. This path commands.
There are two different energies behind the words demand and command.
Initially at first glance they appear to be both strong and influential. When you feel into the words you will see that demanding energy is looking for control and wants to push you, because it feels out of control. Commanding energy is looking to guide, direct, and has authority. Insecurity vs confidence. One is loud, the other is quiet.
So when we are looking at change, we show up in either energy; we demand change or we command change. This is an important distinction. Let’s discover why.
A common practice in the manifesting world is to create visions boards. The vision board isn’t good or bad, it is a tool to help you visualize what you would like to experience in your life. How you create a vision board can either help or hurt you.
Path of desperation vision board example:
You set out to create a vision board because you hate pretty much everything in your life. EVERYTHING needs to change and it needs to change NOW! You might even have an impending overdue bill that needs to be paid in 5-10 days so this vision board is a desperate attempt to bring in that money because nothing else is working. You have bought all the books and taken all of the classes and they all say to create a vision board and start putting ‘energy and good thoughts” towards your desires.
You go through Pinterest, Instagram or magazines and have pictures of all the beautiful things you want in your life. You select images of yachts, mansions, beautiful cars, exotic vacations, diamonds, expensive wardrobes with the latest trends. I mean if this is lottery dreaming, then why hold back? We went from wanting to pay a bill to creating a lifestyle of the rich and famous. We don’t feel important or heard at our jobs so we want our own business where we can be the boss. We hate our relationship or lack of relationship so we cut out the perfect image of our ideal guy or girl. We spend hours pouring over images of things we want, crave, and desire. Might as well put in writing a book and being discovered by Oprah since we are dreaming.
While you are not bad, you are in pain. You are creating the perfect version of what you think you deserve in this life. Are the things you want bad in this scenario? No they are not bad. But let’s take a deeper look for a second. Do you even really want these things? They seem amazing on the outside. Do you want to write million dollar checks to the government for taxes? Do you want the responsibility that comes with the jet set lifestyle? Do you really know what you are asking for? Or possibly, are you asking for a life that takes you away from your current pain and makes “it all” worth it? Words like deserve often show up here and we start setting up an expectation that the “Universe” needs to show up and deliver, after all we are placing our order.
When you look at this vision board another thing happens that you may not realize. This vision board created to inspire your dreams shames and judges you every time you look at it. Some of us meditate daily with our vision boards solidifying this pain. If your dream is so incredibly far from your current state two things happen, guaranteed. Stretching and waiting.
You feel the distance and you panic. You already feel behind and this just shows you how much further you need to go. A lifetime may not be enough time to accumulate your vision board. And so we stretch and take risks that put us in a worse situation than before. Stretching is painful. It is like doing the splits every step towards your goal. You will sign up for programs that offer quick fixes. You will not pay rent to buy lottery tickets. You will make decisions to take really risky action that creates more damage. When we fall in this energy, we get really bitter and angry. We blame the Universe for not saving. We feel that we are inherently bad and are being punished.
Waiting hell is even worse than stretching. This is where you get lost in perfection and potential. You won’t accept anything less than what you asked for and so you will “not settle” and wait. The sad news is that this waiting will never end. You can get stuck in a loop of wishing, hoping and waiting for your whole life, if you choose. You can’t DEMAND that the Universe deliver to you in the way you want, how you want it, and when you want it. This is not how it works and that is why there is so much pain on this path.
Your vision board has become the ultimate source of judgement confirming your worst fears about yourself. You feel behind, punished and excluded. You may be angry at God or the Universe, but even worse, a whole new level of deep self hate settles in. It is a loathing of epic proportion. You may not see it is self hate because it smells more like bitterness wrapped in feeling jaded. It’s just you against the world. Some sell out, they trade in their sensitive gifts for being popular or famous, much like a young soul moving to the big city for his/her big break only to find themselves duped by less than desirable con artists. Even in this exchange, deep soul hate sets in.
Path of Confidence vision board example:
You set to create a vision board to create an inspiration on what you would like to experience in this life. You start collecting images and inspiration and realize that you are creating more of a feeling board than a vision board. You recognize that you can’t really yet identify exactly what you want but have really good ideas of how you want to feel. You don’t know exactly which house would be perfect but you have a few ideas and are open to a home that has a certain feeling. You start to look at how you want to feel in a home. You want a big family and people around and love to entertain, so a big kitchen would be amazing. Might as well throw some cooking classes on the feeling board so that you can start learning how to cook. You imagine what it would be like to be in the kitchen with friends around, maybe drinking wine, while you are cooking. Maybe all of you would be cooking together. You remember when your mom used to make Christmas cookies with you and you want to continue that tradition with your children.
You put children on the board. You think about the kind of partner that would be good to help raising children. You understand your tastes in attraction but don’t want to get hung up on a certain look, you want to experience a really safe and loving connection with a partner, so you pick a picture to represent your partner because the face has kind eyes and feels good, but open to the idea that it might be different. You definitely want to feel attracted to your partner but trust that at this point you won’t be settling, so you don’t worry about that. You definitely want to travel so you find some really cool destinations that would be fun and exciting. You remember that you were thinking about a road trip earlier and start looking at road trips. Either with a partner, friend or solo, they would all be fun. You might even select a couple of day trips you have wanted to schedule since variety is a good thing.
Youtube has been a big inspiration with the fashion and home “vloggers” so you have a few ideas of clothes you would like to try, maybe makeup or home decor. You pick your favorite rooms and put those on the board. You like the feeling of the spaces. You have been feeling less inspired at work and feeling like things aren’t feeling so good. This has caused you to start exploring your purpose and how you can add some income to help out as bills are tight or there have been unexpected bills. You have no idea what you are going to do, or what you are even interested in. You have heard you are a great listener and have explored the idea of coaching or self employment in the future. You don’t want to give up all your safety but are looking for ideas and are willing to do some “side gig” stuff to explore as well as add extra income. You put a couple of your ideas on the board. You know that the board will grow and evolve with you so some stuff will come down and others will go up. You see that this board is just a representation of where you want to go.
When you look at this board two things happen. You have inspiration and hope. This board created with this energy is giving you freedom to explore, to create as you learn, and has lots of options. This gives you inspiration. You do not feel stuck or the pressure. There is no demanding. There is commanding that there are new experiences coming and there is a settling in the soul that the order and timing are not as important as the quality of life. Hope is the second experience you feel when looking at your board. You see options and different levels. You can see that there are things you can do now. You don’t have to wait for the kitchen to be happy, you can start taking cooking classes. You see hope in the options. You can schedule and plan that day road trip, go but the same candle from your inspiration home photo, or get a new dating wardrobe because at some point you will get yourself back out there to start dating again. You have big dreams of vacations, homes, a great lifestyle with lots of phases. Things you can do now, things that require more time to build all the while working on how you want to feel in each of these experiences. You are not rigid knowing some things take longer to build and also that some things you are not even sure if you want them until you try them on. So the board becomes fluid and not rigid.
Kayla and I are masters at change. We understand the complexities and the need for guidance that is unique and not packaged. Too many times we have had to work with amazing souls that are lost in the desperation path. It doesn’t seem so bad at first, but the damage and pain are very real. Kayla happens to be very inspiring. This is a really good thing since she is brings the inspiration in our business. Her desire is to inspire others to believe in their hopes and dreams and to create a life that they want. If we are not careful, what can happen is that we look up to Kayla to give us the “recipe” or “perfect plan or checklist” to get what she has. When focus turns to fixation on the outcome rather than the experience, we have landed into desperation. The reality is that no one wants to have the exact experience as Kayla or any other source of inspiration.
I happen to be very inspired by Magnolia and the Fixer Upper brand. I can use this as inspiration for my own life, or judgement on what I don’t have. Trust me, I don’t want to renovate homes or marry a contractor and move to Waco, Texas. That wouldn’t feel good because I belong where I am at here in Pebble Beach, California. What I can do is look at the inspiration and find the ways that feel inspiring. I love how they treat their clients, have a family feel, have great branding for multi-passions, and how they value family spending time together. So I don’t have to have that same exact “plan” but pull out those pieces that feel good. I can add to my vision of my own company that I want to feel more connected to our people, help create beauty and lasting change, and make sure to have time for my family. Those things I can add to my list of what I want to experience and place them on my feeling board.
We draw on inspiration, we do not copy it.
You will not find the answers you seek in desperation, at least not the ones that will feel good. We can’t go from not paying bills to dreaming of yachts and feel good. Can you imagine what $20,000 would feel like right now? Even five figures would feel abundant at this moment.
Change is such a complex experience full of highs, lows, healing and reclaiming. We need guides who can handle all the feelings and pain that come up to the surface when we are going through change. It is worth it, to rewrite your story, reclaim what you want and have the confidence to go after it. Nothing is more inspiring then when we become the hero/heroine of our own experience. It is worth the investment, the work and the time it takes to make true and lasting change.
If there were an area that you would really like to see improve, what would that be? In the comments I would love to hear what inspires you, what hope you would like to have in your life.
Change is scary. It is exciting. It takes time. It takes effort. It often takes investing in help. When you wanting to “manifest” you are asking for the process of change. A healing journey. It isn’t a catalogue it is an experience.