Often sensitives, (you can read more about sensitives here on my blog, What is a Sensitive/Empath? ) feel bad most of the time. We can feel like we are always looking over our shoulder. We can feel insecure in love, work or life in general. Shame can be something that impacts us in every area of our lives. There are two main ways in which we handle life stressors. Obviously there are many ways in which we handle stressors, however, for this blog we are focusing on two main ways. We tend to be dominant on one side but often go back and forth depending on how bad we want something. There are hiders and over checkers/obsessed.
Hiders or those that would rather ignore difficult problems or situations are usually programed like this from early childhood. We avoid phone calls, bills, emails, texts, mail. We don’t want to know what is really going on as we are afraid of the truth. Or should I clarify and say that we are terrified of the enormity of the truth. We don’t want to know how big that bill is, how mad the bank is on our overdrawn account or be confronted by a boss on our performance. We are avoiding pain.
The other side of this is the manic side. We overcheck everything. We check our emails 50 times a day waiting for the impending news. We check out banks because we obsess over each and every transaction and are fearful we forgot something. We want to know everything real or imagined. You get no peace because you are trying to control and manage all factors of life, which is impossible. There is a frantic energy here on avoiding pain.
SHAME & CHANGE
When either of these get activated things get dicey. Here are a list of things that can activate either extreme side of avoidance or obsession.
- Starting to look for a new job.
- Starting to date again.
- Looking for purpose.
- Scrolling on social media.
- Deciding to leave a relationship.
- Starting that weight loss program.
- Deciding to re-organize your home or bills.
- Making a decision to change something.
Basically, this happens anytime we decide to evolve and grow and add a new experience to our lives, like love, money and purpose. Why is this? Because we are going into change… and change is uncomfortable. Kayla and I happens to be masters at change. In fact, when people show up in my inbox, at my door or in my life, they are often ready for change. People do not like to be around me when they are hiding, or not wanting to face the change coming. I get it. I am one of those that can’t let you stay stuck so I will say something and not let you hide. Hiders don’t want to see what is in front of them, and those obsessed don’t want to be told to stop. People will ebb and flow in wanting change and wanting things to go back to the way things were.
Change is so incredible exciting and terrifying. One of the deep triggers that comes up in the healing journey of change is shame. I want to share with you the energy of shame and how it impacts us and why it is difficult to manage consistency in our goals when this is ignited in us.
“You can’t know where you are going, if you don’t know where you are.” – Kayla
No matter what your tendency may be, to hide or obsess, that is not how you always have to be. When we are acting in a certain way it could be out of old patterns, out of fear or simply how we have been taught. If you don’t want to be that way, you can absolutely change that.
SHAME & JUDGMENT
Part of what happens in either extreme is the underlying theme of shame. Shame is the ultimate judgement. When you fall into the vibration of shame, it traps you there. It feels like you are slowly sinking into a low vibration. In those moments, there is no hope. It is hard to climb up to hope when we are in shame spiral. We want to disassociate from life, which is hiding. Sometimes we might feel like we are depressed.
Shame beckons judgment. Let’s say you decide to take some action steps, and you don’t complete all the of the steps. Shame sets in when you start with global declarations about you as a whole. You are a terrible person, and nothing will ever change. That isn’t self-judgement anymore that is deep shame. It went from not doing something to somehow now you are ALL BAD. Shame takes a half truth and spins it into the most toxic cocktail of self hate. It doesn’t just stop here, it goes into your shame database and pulls out every example of how you are the worst person and mixes it all together to create an energy spiral. Much like a vortex of energy spinning over the top of you pulling in everything you hate and despise about yourself. This vortex is powerful. It is very difficult to stop the spinning of a shame tornado.
SHAME & FAKE LOVE
Shame is usually programed early on. It is also fake love’s gift that keeps on giving. You can read more about this on my blog, Real Love vs. Fake Love. Fake love needs us to have deep shame to keep us away from true love, our gifts and our purpose. There is enough truth mixed in for us to believe, but it is twisted and distorted to create long term damage. Fake love knows our weaknesses and exploits them to create a constant state of feeling bad. As young children we take in key moments and circumstances and then create huge life statements and beliefs about not being lovable, or too much for people or real love abandons us. Every piece of evidence gets collected and shoved way down and packed like cement in our souls.
Typically those with deep shame have had a significant relationship with a no light, in some capacity: a parent, grandparent or teacher. You can read more about this on my blog, Understanding Energy Through Lights. Sensitives that have deep shame are very attractive to a no light. The more shame you have the more they will be attracted to you energetically. They need you to have shame because they blame. They deflect and blame and we are really good at taking blame and creating shame, which keeps adding evidence to our shame belief system.
SHAME & PERFECTION
We usually don’t know when we are hit with shame. In fact most people confuse this shame with their intuition. The doom and gloom warning is most always a negative energy influence, including our shame. There isn’t much logic when you hit shame, we hit reaction mode. Perfection can come in. Perfection is trying to overcome shame. Perfection doesn’t cure shame. Perfection feeds shame. Trying to find safety in shame is impossible. You can’t. Shame, however, isn’t real. It feels real but it is a web of lies spun around half truths.
We have a part of a class that I taught on this topic with Kayla. Here is an part of that class.
Shame is not fatal. It is something that can be healed and cleared over time, for the most part. We can’t erase our memories, but we can diminish the shame to where it is a small whisper instead of shouting at us. We can turn down the volume so that you are able to take away the energy piece that gets ignited in us. Many times when we had a traumatic experience in our life, we had shame mixed in there. Trauma healing and shame releasing often go hand in hand. If you feel that you are overwhelmed a lot by shame or this intense energy that you can’t seem to manage, please reach out. This isn’t something that you need to put up with there are ways to deal and will help with anxiety, stress and overwhelm.
HOW SHAME HAPPENS
When we are parented by harsh energy, we don’t know how to internalize that as young sensitive children. An example would be a no light parent using corporal punishment. This isn’t a debate on this kind of discipline, but more about the intention behind the punishment and the energy absorbed. So a no light parent gets mad at a four year old for going down the driveway to the street. This parent is angry and immediately spanks the child while screaming and yelling that they should not be in the street. An adult might see safety as the reason for this reaction. A child will translate this differently. They see that this yelling and spanking must be love because the parent was scared they might get hurt. They might be too young to even know about the danger of the street, and just “take in” the meaning that the driveway somehow is bad, or that they are somehow bad.
We also feel the energy and intent behind this interaction. We sense that they think we are bad, because they do. No lights aren’t connectors. Their world is black and white. We don’t know how to interpret correctly that the no light parent was triggered and not in control, reacted harshly, and has no ability to connect to the child with love. We take in a belief with that experience, that this is love, and we want to avoid this kind of love interaction.
We want to avoid all things that will bring that rage out. And yet at the same time when that no light parent does rage, we minimize their behavior and say that “this is what love is”. A no light parent is good at acting like nothing happened after the fact and this is very confusing to a child and enforces that we must be very bad. Recognizing this belief is very important because we have a lot of these kind of experiences that have been deeply embedded inside our hearts and soul… an energy landmine. With this trauma and belief stored in us energetically at a young age, it will come out in random places in our adult lives.
SHAME AT WORK
Let’s take work for example. You have a boss that has harsh energy that will yell and blame. We become hyper-vigilant around this kind of energy. Your belief is that if your boss has a harsh tone with you, you are wrong or bad. As a child, it is normal to want to explore your surrounding and not necessarily understand road safety. You weren’t bad as a child, it was normal to want to explore. But getting yelled and spanked, you took in the belief that you were wrong or bad. You allow really bad behavior to occur in the workplace because at the core of who you are you have settled into the belief that bad things happen to bad people, and you are bad.
We try to avoid harsh energy or anything that reminds us of harsh energy. Even neutral feedback can be seen as harsh energy. We somehow believe we should have known to “do that” or “not do that” to avoid any feedback. We want to be perfect and to avoid having someone tell us where we need to improve. So work becomes a toxic place for us whether the people are toxic or not. Our belief system is strong. Our triggers are strong. The landmines are there for safety when we were little but as adults trying to make lives for ourselves, this can turn into sabotage.
We are looking for problems and trying to ward them off 24/7. We have massive anxiety and every phone call or email that says, come into my office, is like a death sentence or walk to the principal’s office where we are told how bad we are. We are constantly afraid of getting caught being bad, but no clue what that means or why we have that fear. It is automatic. Your conditioning won’t let you hear the real intention behind the feedback. We want to be all knowing, to predict things so we can adjust accordingly. We think we are using our intuition, but we are not.
LASHING OUT vs HIDING
Now sensitives that react by lashing out feel the same way. They are like the wounded dogs we see on our Facebook feeds that are abandoned and scared and growling at anyone that comes near. The reaction is strong and often not able to be controlled. There is a loud anger. There is a need for a release and so they will yell and scream or hit their partner or throw things. Getting angry and slamming cupboards, throwing objects to get the bad feelings out of them. This is the shame style that often is punished more. Adults can’t go around hitting people or damaging property without consequences. The hiders blend in under the radar with a quiet seething, those that act outward have a loud and forceful rage.
HEALING NO LIGHT DNA & SHAME
Often times I have to heal no light DNA in our energy. That is once and done. What takes time to heal is the beliefs that we absorbed over our childhood that have us programmed and on autopilot to believe that we are bad. All the time. It isn’t every interaction, just the ones that stood out to you where you started to believe the world to be a certain way. We feel that we are always bad. We want to avoid punishment at all costs, but when it does happen, it is our fault and we deserve it. We automatically assume we are bad, there is no other interpretation and we justify that person’s behavior.
SHAME HIT vs INTUITION
We are also really good at noticing patterns. We are usually hyper-vigilant souls that need to assess safety all the time. This is normal and a very good skill to have with unsafe people. We are usually told our intuition or spotting pattern changes is us being crazy, to the point we start to question our sanity or what we feel on the inside. This is how our shame gets crossed with our intuition. Most of the time we listen to our shame trigger over our intuition because we don’t trust our intuition. We have been taught to only trust people’s words.
SHAME & LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
So let’s look at this in love relationships. We invest heavily into our relationships. Time, energy, money and anything else we have. No lights are often the safest relationships for us because they are only focused on appearance and not on the depths of our souls. Most of us don’t want people to see us all the way inside because we have this idea that we are all bad. So we want to hide at least what we think are the bad parts. No lights are the perfect relationship to hide in. However, there are times when we feel like we are investing too much in the relationship and feel taken advantage of, because there is no real depth, we get upset. If they aren’t going to meet our needs in a surface way, then we start trying to get them to meet our needs in a deep way.
No lights hate depth. If they stop providing something that we feel brings safety, like coming home everyday and helping to pay the bills, then we are assessing safety, and there is no longer a payoff to keep putting up with bad behavior. So we ask for more. We start to tap into our intuition more and we feel the lying, cheating or otherwise despicable behavior. We share this with the no light partner and they deflect and blame, calling us paranoid, pathetic, or just plain crazy. They threaten to leave. Our safety gets poked again and we go back to trying to make this work. They know your weaknesses and insecurities and know how to get you to stop asking questions and stop asking for more.
SHAME & CHILDHOOD
So let’s look at why. In childhood, you have a parent you can’t connect to. When you can’t connect to a parent, it becomes all behavior. If you can’t get love and acceptance, then it turns to what you do, not who you are. Now you have to do things to get love. I have to be a good girl or a good boy. We think that doing more or being “better” will help us get that love we crave. As children we feel the disconnect and we also assume it is all our fault. We try to get good grades, get on sports teams, or just focus on always being right or perfect. When this parent yells at us again even when we were trying so hard to be good, we redouble our efforts and try harder.
This is the root of perfection. Seeking approval through our actions. Typically the mentality of this kind of parenting is children are seen not heard, negative emotions are not allowed in the family, so we stuff and only feel comfortable showing positive emotions. There is no safety or rules that we can count on. They always change depending on the parent’s mood. True connection will never happen with a no light, so all of our efforts are in vain and we get disillusioned with life and people because we can’t seem to count on anything. This is why it is called fake love.
FAKE LOVE & SHAME
Is every memory with a no light parent or romantic partner bad? No, what I am saying is that those key moments where that harshness went deep inside the soul, it set us up to believe love was conditional and uncertain and unstable. Fake love isn’t accurate. It blames, it hides, it shuns, and all in the name of love and weird reward system. The rewiring process can be so difficult because we don’t understand what true love is with all of our childhood fake love experiences. No lights are great at negotiating the contract without telling you. If they don’t feel like doing something, then they make that decision that they no longer have to meet that need, and you are “needy” and “crazy” for calling them out on it. This is how fake love is programed in us. No lights have their own version of love. There is no choice and it is all about pressure and control.
SHAME & RULES
Sensitives give over control when they need some sort of safety. This is usually in the form of rules. Organized religion has a lot of rules. Some make sense, some don’t. But there is a list of what to do and what not to do that feels safe to us. Knowing the rules gives us a sense of order. However, often times we lose our ability to choose. True love lets you make choices. I give up my freedom so I don’t have to worry about thinking for myself. Because in perfection, thinking for yourself is very risky and not very comforting. We just want to know the right way to do something. I want to know the five things I can do and the five things I can’t do. Fake love is invested in you feeling like you are broken. It is the only way to get power. You can’t get power from someone who is strong.
There are triggers and spiraling that happens when we are getting too close to a belief that we have that is not in alignment with our soul. Shame is I am all bad and I am going to default to me being all bad. The person in authority must know, so we defer. We believe what is said because it originated with an authority figure. In order to get out of this automatic default we have to start noticing.
WHAT SHAME FEELS LIKE
What shame feels like. Your heart starts racing, almost feels like on fire, hot, like embarrassed, feels like exposed and impending doom. Something really bad is going to happen. We feel it in our hearts and stomachs at the same time. Weird anxiety like uncomfortable energy in my heart. This is the physical response to a shameful thought or memory. That becomes our signal that we did something wrong. We wonder what we did that was too much or where we went to far, and assume that we did something bad.
This sensation is pretty normal and we don’t really know it is happening because it is just part of our everyday experience. And so with the physical response, we immediately think we are a bad girl/boy and we should have known, and as soon as we feel this, we look for safety. Safety in this energy is going to be “managing” and control. We redouble our efforts to be better because we never want this to happen again. This is unrealistic because we learn through experience, we connect through experience and experiences are messy and not controllable. We want to forecast the future to avoid pain. We also set out to be more perfect and this translates into the micromanagement of everything.
SHAME IS AN AUTOMATIC RESPONSE
Shame is a programed response that “I’m bad” or “I should have known”. It is such a habit that we jump straight into perfection mode. Our bodies get used to the shame response. And if we haven’t had a trigger in awhile, our body signals to our mind to start looking for something. Our bodies get addicted to the adrenaline hit that takes over when we feel the trigger. It is like being in an “almost” car accident 20-30 times a day. We can’t sustain this. We need the adrenaline to feel alive. So we don’t feel alive without the shame trigger in action. The programming that we took in as a child was rarely the intention of the event. We need to be good so we can get love. It is all about what we do and not who we are as a person.
This is why safety is so important for us. We can’t even consider reprogramming our shame with love without safety. We can’t read a book on shame and just “fix it”. We can’t reprogram if we are in no light relationships. There is no safety. They feed our shame with their blame. Free will and choice can be unnerving when we have deep shame. When we confront a person for bad behavior, they usually blame us, setting off the shame cycle.
Often times when we pick up on deception in another person, we feel it but do not understand how to interpret it, so we hit shame instead. A coworker might have been cheating on their boyfriend, and just coming up to you to talk about a projects and totally unrelated, but you feel this other energy and sense that there is something bad about to happen. Your shame kicks in and interprets this as you are bad and something bad is going to happen to you. Your coworker is simply asking for information on a spreadsheet, our intuition and shame get all mixed up and we react on what is triggered, not what is truly happening. You are trying to makes sense of why you feel the way you do. The paranoid thoughts come in and trick us.
SHAME & SAFETY
Getting safety is the most important thing. Safety in our routines, safety in our homes and our relationships is key. Then we can start to work on noticing our physical reactions. If we can catch this when we have the physical response, we stop it from moving into perfection. It is hard to get out of the spin once perfection sets in. The mind is strong. It doesn’t let go easily. Getting present and in the moment. If you can catch yourself in the physical symptom. Start to notice where else in your life did you feel this way. If you notice the physical response we can avoid the landmine. Getting out of automatic response is key. Shame will never be 100% gone, but we can change ratio. Instead of being 90% in shame triggers we work to reduce it to 10%. And that will have a huge impact on your life.
SHAME & OWNERSHIP
Perhaps it’s not mine, perhaps I am reading or picking up on something. Let’s rewind back to the physical response and not assuming that you are bad. Taking ownership of our lives is noticing where we take ownership of other’s stuff and where we let go of our own areas that we need to be working on. In shame, this is backwards. We take on everyone and everything else, but our own emotions. This has to switch back to have freedom and clarity. Our minds need a new mindset shift with safety. We definitely feel love. It isn’t unconditional love because we don’t know what that is. We have relationships with others that are steeped in shame and can have loving moments, but there are always rules and conditions on that kind of love. So we learn a new kind of love that scares us a little because the new rule with real love is that we have choice. We have to take ownership of our lives of what we want and what we want to experience. We learn safety in feelings not words. We rewire so that we trust our intuition and not the false programming we took in as children.
The movie, The wrinkle in Time, is the perfect example of our journey of the soul with healing shame and our worth.
SHAME & CONDITIONS
Shame is full of conditions. We open up to a dream or a vision of what we want for ourselves and we wait for proof. This is conditional. I want love in two weeks or else. If I lose weight, love will find me. If I help others, money needs to come in. When we get hurt or things don’t happen according to our expectations, we shut down. We don’t feel safe and we don’t trust because our demands weren’t met. True love doesn’t respond to demands or conditions… only fake love. When we choose to open up again to get more in our lives, we create more rules and conditions. And we demand proof.
HOW TO HEAL FROM SHAME
Awareness and healing are the best ways to heal from shame. I am an expert at healing shame. Learning what is trauma related and what is ownership issues is essential. Safety and routines are extremely important for the sensitive soul. Catching yourself in the physical response is where you start. Bringing awareness to the automatic response helps us to get in touch with our bodies and our intuition. If we can step in before we hit perfection mode, we stop reacting without thinking.Looking for safety and loving support is necessary. Many times when we embark on a life change, this is one of those blocks that comes up. Many require some additional help and healing. Needing help isn’t bad, it is a strength in recognizing that there is something that needs extra attention. I don’t try to fix the plumbing or electricity on my own, I call in the experts. This is very similar as it is rewiring of the soul.
The main message and take away from this blog is to bring awareness to this very real issue that comes up in our lives. Oftentimes, awareness can be very healing. It is also good to know that it isn’t permanent and most definitely can be healed and helped. I have yet to meet a sensitive soul that doesn’t have this shame programming. In my own journey, I have had to overcome tremendous shame and perfectionistic tendencies. This is one of those areas where I have been able to heal enough so that when I think about my childhood, they are just memories and stories. We can feel good and strong in our own skin. We can take ownership of our lives and our energy and turn the corner from surviving to thriving.
There is hope and love always wins. Safety, connection and healing are important to navigate shame spirals. I know this is a deeply personal topic and it might be triggering just to read. Please reach out if you need some help or would like to consider working on healing your own shame.
Lots of love your way,